I Am Unlovable

There is unspeakable comfort - the sort of comfort that energizes, be it said, not enervates [drains energy] - in knowing that God is constantly taking knowledge of me in love and watching over me for my good. There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion Him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me. There is, certainly, great cause for humility in the thought that He sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow humans do not see (and I am glad!), and that He sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself (which, in all conscience, is enough). There is, however, equally great incentive to worship and love God in the thought that, for some unfathomable reason, He wants me as His friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given His Son to die for me in order to realize this purpose.” (J.I.Packer, Knowing God)

I believe one of the sweetest things about my relationship with God - the thing that puts me in awe of Him and quiets my soul - the thing that really pushes me to be like Him, is that He knows me fully and He still loves me. God is love. (1 John 4:8) There is love behind everything He says and does. 

A love so potent that it compelled Christ all the way to the cross, “having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end.”(John 13:1) To me, there is nothing more comforting. God knows my past, present and future. He knows what I will say “even before a word is on my tongue”. (Ps 139:4) He knows my every thought, feeling, action and desire and yet, in Christ, He delights in me (Ps 149:4) and is steadfastly devoted to me (Is 54:10). 

He knows my every thought, feeling, action and desire and yet, in Christ, He delights in me

I can’t recall a time when I didn’t know that I was a sinner in need of Christ’s rescue. My failures seemed always before me, even from a young age. Two things, in particular, contributed to this knowledge - a knowledge necessary for salvation (I am a sinner) but that can also, in the hands of the wrong teacher, become a twisted misunderstanding of God’s character and therefore, His gospel.

An important person in my life was unpredictably angry. A ticking time bomb of harsh words and sometimes, cruel hands. Embarrassment in front of friends and family was found to be an especially effective way to get a desired response from me. I soon realized that people either pitied me or were uncomfortable being around the all-too-common eruptions. I learned to isolate, very self-conscious of the shame. 

The other was a legalistic private school I attended until I was 16. When I say legalistic, I mean that it was documentary-worthy. I don’t remember learning about grace but I do remember being pulled aside by the principal who assured me that I couldn’t possibly be saved because my family listened to oldies and I wore jeans outside of school. As I got older, I found law-keeping (or inability to law-keep) a crushing and exhausting burden.

As a young girl, these pieces of my life were a cause of daily fear. Fear of punishment. Fear of rejection. Fear of how God saw me. It seemed to me that I stuck out - “there must be something abnormally wrong with me”. I desperately wanted to please God and to be loved by Him; but when I messed up (which was often), I wondered if He was disgusted. Was He merely putting up with me out of duty? I felt unlovely and unlovable. 

And this is the truth. In myself, I am hopelessly unlovely compared to our pure and holy God. He is infinitely worthy and I am not. All my sins, all of God’s laws that I have broken, are my own responsibility; but, I had a terribly distorted view of God. That’s what sin does - distorts our view.  And yet, because of Christ and only because of Christ, I am not unlovable. 

And yet, because of Christ and only because of Christ, I am not unlovable. 

God eventually led me to a healthier local church. I joined a woman’s Bible study and learned how to dive deeper into the Word. Up until this time, I had been sinfully introspective (and sometimes I still struggle with this but by God’s grace it is less). “Beholding” myself and my feelings instead of “beholding the glory of the Lord” and His truth. (2 Corinthians 3:18)  Nothing has changed me more than knowing and meditating on God’s attributes - specifically His love. 

The Greek word for the love of God in the New Testament is “agape”. There is no one word in our English language that can replace it. Its meaning is too vast, too wonderful and mutli-faceted to do it justice. Packer defines it as “an exercise of His [God’s] goodness toward individual sinners whereby, having identified Himself with their welfare, He has given His Son to be their Savior, and now brings them to know and enjoy Him in a covenant relation.” 

The whole Bible is a book of God’s love, but it is seen extraordinarily in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John). Take John 13 & 14 for example, Jesus is aware that His time has come to be crucified. Instead of being irritable with the disciples or withdrawn, He pours into them.  He is so personal with them. He reassures them of His love, serves them by washing their feet, patiently teaches them through the pain of betrayal, and encourages their hearts to trust in God. Jesus is selfless and self-giving.

In Romans 5:5-8, Paul shows us what God’s “agape” does for those that are born again. “...God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  

The knowledge of God’s love for us, according to verse 5,“has been poured” into the hearts of God’s children. This pouring means “gushed out, flooded”. God wants us to know an overwhelming sense of His affection for us, through His Holy Spirit. Packer again says, “Paul assumes that all his readers will be living in the enjoyment of a strong and abiding sense of God’s love for them”. 

In verses 6-8, Paul announces that Christ died for us “while we were still weak”, “for the ungodly”, and “while we were still sinners”. He states it three times in different ways, emphasizing the fact that Christ died for the unlovely. And why did He do this? Simply because He chose to love us “before the foundation of the world” (Eph 1:4-5). Packer explains that God “had no reason for His love to His people…except His own sovereign good pleasure.” 

We were weak, ungodly sinners - God loved us at our worst. There was nothing in us to attract God’s generous goodness. We deserved only His condemnation, but He purposely set His agape on us. The selfless, sacrificial love of Christ brings redemption to all who put their faith in Him. It brings God’s blessing rather than His displeasure. Every sin was forever dealt with on the cross. 

We deserved only His condemnation, but He purposely set His agape on us.

God’s love for us, though, is never separated from the rest of His attributes. His love is holy and righteous and good etc. It is nothing like the world’s definition that can often be either over-indulgent or merit-based. Rather, His love is a perfecting/transforming love. It makes us progressively holy. It purifies us through His Word and His Spirit (John 17:17), it disciplines us for our good (Heb 12:6-11) and it allows suffering in our lives when it will further our sanctification (Rom 5:3-5).

And as we grow in the likeness of Christ, we will sin and fail. But - we can rest in the fact that God’s determined love for us is fixed. It is a pledge that is unchanging - a very personal, covenant relationship. There is no reason to hide from God any longer and that brings so much freedom - we can pray with David “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23-24)

No more fear of condemnation, rejection, or disgust. We are not merely an obligation to God, we are “beloved by the Lord”. (2 Thess 2:13) A cherished possession, belonging to Him. Romans 8:38-39 declares, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Resources:

“Knowing God” by J.I. Packer

“Loved Walked Among Us: Learning to Love Like Jesus” by Paul Miller