Sanctified Friendships

“Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” ~ Proverbs 27:9

While taking a walk with a friend - almost a year ago now - she suggested that I blog about friendship. It sounded as if there may have been sadness in her voice, but I didn’t push. Closeness with others doesn’t come especially easy for me. It can take awhile for trust to grow enough so that I feel at home with someone.

My fleshly bent is often towards isolation even though experience has shown me that too much solitude leads to the ache of loneliness. I find loneliness to be one of the harder pangs of being human. God knew I needed fresh conviction and encouragement on how to care for the people around me. To love others like Christ loves. 

Ed Welch says that “the Church without friendship is the worst kind of isolation”. The Church is the one place on earth that is able to provide profound connection and companionship based on more than a common hobby, personality, convenience or self-interest. The world can never provide this. They are without Christ and His redemptive work in saving and transforming. Only Christ completely manifests every trait found in true biblical friendship. We require His grace and His Spirit in order to imitate Him. 

The Church is the one place on earth that is able to provide profound connection and companionship based on more than a common hobby, personality, convenience or self-interest.

Each one of us is made in the image of God. That means, in part, that we were made to be relational, reflecting the harmonious fellowship that is seen within the Trinity. Friendship, therefore, was not created. It was eternally found within the bond of Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Even before sin stained the world - and the relationships in it - God said at Creation, “It is not good that man should be alone…” (Gen 2:18). Alienation was a consequence of the Fall. We are born estranged. 

Through the dramatic incarnation of Christ - His perfect life lived for us, His death that paid the penalty for our sins and His resurrection that defeated death - our friendship with God can be restored. He invites us into the joy of His Triune communion (1 John 1:3). 

Once saved, restoration begins to flow down into every other relationship, as we behold Christ more. We are enabled (though we’ll do this imperfectly) to love during adversity, bearing each other’s burdens (Prov 17:17, Gal 6:2), to persevere with a brother (sister) through all seasons of life (Prov 18:24), to faithfully wound while looking out for another’s well-being above our own (Prov 27:5-6, Phil 2:4), and to give the earnest counsel of God’s truth (Prov 27:9). 

Christ’s sacrificial-love shows that He is the greatest friend of all (John 15:13). Our most devoted Companion who never leaves us alone (Matt 28:20). The One who calls His followers friends, sharing intimate knowledge through His Word with all those who fear Him (John 15:15, Psalm 25:14). 

A local church can not have a full understanding of the gospel if it does not consist of deep friendships. That’s not to say that every relationship has the same degree of closeness. We are to love and care for our neighbors, even our enemies, but not all relationships will contain the same level of trust and affection. “A man of many companions may come to ruin,  but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov 18:24). We fiercely bind our hearts to some.

What must we do in order to better relate to others the way Christ mercifully relates to us? How do we build these “closer than-a-brother (sister)” friendships? I want to suggest that it’s as we draw nearer to God in fellowship that we begin to cultivate these  “sanctified friendships”, as Charles Spurgeon called them. Apart from Christ, we have nothing of real value to offer anyone (Rom 7:18), no “earnest counsel”.

I want to suggest that it’s as we draw nearer to God in fellowship that we begin to cultivate these  “sanctified friendships”...

Sanctified friendships, on our part, require that we love God and His word. Psalm 1 came to mind as I reflected on this subject. We are to delight in the law of the Lord and meditate on it day and night. We are to become “like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither”. John Piper explains what happens as we delight, meditate and obey. We become fruitful.  “The mark of a fruitful person is when you get around them, you find yourself nourished. You leave them and…know a little more about God and His promises, maybe your conscience pricked. Refreshed.”

The Bible gives a beautiful example of sanctified friendship in Jonathan and David. My focus here is mainly on the character of Jonathan. 

After defeating the giant Goliath, a young David bursts into the scene. Jonathan, a military man himself, listens in as David recalls the story for King Saul. Before facing Goliath, we saw a glimpse into David’s heart in 1 Sam 17:37, “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine.” This kind of faith resonates with Jonathan. He too had previously overcome 20 Philistines while relying wholly on God’s power.

Jonathan’s adoration grows as David continues to speak. Surprisingly, there is no jealousy, no comparison - just love. “As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” This fast friendship came to life out of a mutual trust in the Lord. 

After several years of running from King Saul’s deadly pursuit, Psalm 6:3 says that David was troubled and languishing. God generously gives David a gift of grace. Jonathan, putting his own life in danger, travels over 20 miles to strengthen David’s hand in God. He reminds his friend, “Do not fear, for the hand of Saul my father shall not find you. You shall be king over Israel, and I shall be next to you. Saul my father also knows this”. (1 Sam 23:17)

David didn’t need empty words. He didn’t need to look within himself. He needed something real and robust to keep him persevering at his lowest point. Jonathan went to David, face to face, to remind him of God’s faithfulness. God’s character. The grip God had on David. Do not fear, God will protect you, He has promised that you will be king over His chosen people. Jonathan became the sweetest of friends that brings earnest counsel, words of truth to sustain David. 

Life is hard. God gives us friends to journey with, to hold back loneliness while we reflect Christ to one another. Therefore, friendship is not trivial. It is essential. Maybe even more so for leaders with greater burdens on their shoulders. But rather than watching for someone to encourage me, I ought to be thinking, how can I spiritually strengthen the people God put around me.

But rather than watching for someone to encourage me, I ought to be thinking, how can I spiritually strengthen the people God put around me.

Later in 2 Samuel 11, we learn of David’s infamous sins - the adultery with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah. These took place years after his loyal friend Jonathan passed away in battle. David mourned this great loss, “Jonathan lies slain on your high places. I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; very pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of women” (2 Sam 1:26). I encourage you to read 2 Samuel 11 on your own and notice what is missing during David’s failure. Where are the courageous voices speaking truth in love?  “Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head; let my head not refuse it” (Ps 141:5).

We shouldn’t need to look farther than the people in our own church to find these friendships (though friends are not limited by location). Instead of waiting for a Jonathan to come to you, go be one to someone else. Treasure the Word of God. Soak in it. Apply it. Overflow to those around you. And once you have found these sanctified friendships, hold them tight. As Spurgeon said, “When a man has a faithful friend, let him grapple him to his side with hooks of steel.”

Additional Resource:

“Made for Friendship: The Relationship That Halves Our Sorrows and Doubles Our Joys” by Drew Hunter